A Moment of Reflection Before the New Year Arrives...

It is 2010...wow. It's been a whole year and I still have a hard time believing it. I don't usually fall prey to delusions of grandeur, but this year has really been a good one for me. Graduated from Harvard. Moved to a foreign country. Visited other countries. Learning Arabic (trying to anyways, lol). But there are things that have occurred this year that are not so tangible. One of those things is my realization about my views and perspective about myself and relationships in general. I used to think that everything from my end had to be perfect before I courted a woman. For a long time, I did not have a girlfriend. I don't have one now, by the way. I just felt that I had to bring my 'A' game and that I had to have EVERYTHING in order before I could be ready for my queen. There have been several models of relationships in my life that did not end well because one of the pair did not have something the other THOUGHT they possessed. In the interest of being fair, I've also had models in my life that, despite seemly insurmountable odds, couples have grown closer and love each other more everyday.

An ex-girlfriend asked me, on more than one occasion, "Do you want to be married?" Each time I immediately replied, "Of course I do!" That answered hasn't changed but I took an opportunity to think about why I wasn't already married. I have a real fear of commitment. It's not because I want to be with multiple women. It's because I want to be with only one woman. Relationships take time, TRUST, effort, TRUST, compassion & understanding, TRUST, and a willingness to be flexible. Did I mention TRUST?? That's another one of my challenges I'm working on. I have a hard time trusting that a woman will treat me the same way she did initially. I'm sure some women have that same fear about men. It seems like everyone is wearing a mask. They want to hide the ugly parts of their character and psyche. Now, I don't think you should be whipping out the ugly on the first date, and you should always put your best foot forward, but to completely change who you are for someone else will not, cannot last. My trust issues aren't limited to relationships with the fairer sex. For so long I've had the mindset of not trusting ANYONE with the burdens that I carry. Very few people know my complete life story. I can probably count on one hand the number of people that know EVERYTHING. Last week my own sister told me that she doesn't even know who my best friends are. Somehow, I've compartmentalized my life and those in it. There is not a lot of crossover between my family and friends. A part of that could be my sister and her family live in another state. But that's no real reason either. I visit a friend and her family every Christmas I'm in Dallas. She told me as long as she's known me, almost 11 years, I've never invited her over to meet my family. I thought about it for a moment and she was right. She assumed I was either embarrassed about her or my family. I wasn't embarrassed. I don't have an excuse. I never meant to offend her or any of my other friends. I just rather go out. That's just the way it's always been.

I've always thought my problems are nothing compared to others in the world. Comparing myself to others is something I hate doing. Yet, in this moment, I've realized that I've been comparing my problems to OPP (other people's problems, at least that's what it means here, lol), and deemed them unworthy of mention. That's probably because it's easier to deal with someone else's problems than it is your own. There are a lot of people that don't liked to be judged. Count me among that number. That's probably another reason why I've carry and held in my problems and thoughts about them. For fear of judgment.

We all know about intrinsic motivation, about lighting a fire under your own butt. Fear, for the most part, has been that fire. Now, some say I've accomplished a lot from that motivation, but I believe A LOT more could have been done with a more positive motivator. I definitely would have made some different decisions this past year if fear was not a motivator. Fear should never be a determining factor for a decision. I am in the process of removing fear as a motivator. What will take its place? I don't know. But I know it has to be something more valid. Maybe not so much logical, but reasonable.

Commitment means tying a string from you to the objective/person/idea/etc... The more strings you use to tie yourself to that construct, the more permanent it becomes. A rope begins to form. A bond, that increases in strength the more connections are made.

A good man will put thought, time, and effort into cultivating a relationship with his QUEEN. Making the decision to spend the rest of your life with someone should not be made out of fear. I don't see how it could be. A clear head MUST be had in order to make such a life-altering decision. Fellas we expect a lot from the ladies, but what are we expecting from ourselves? Ladies, can you allow your man to be the man? Relationships are partnerships. Everyday, the roles of a gender are alternating. The two things that must be consistent is communication and TRUST. I could go on about this, but that's all I want to say about it for now.

I laughed, along with most of the US, when Ron Artest thanked his psychiatrist in the 2010 Finals. But now that I think about it, mental health is no laughing matter. We should encourage each other to open up and talk more. Depression is a REAL disease. The stats are about 5 years old but according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), about 26.2% of the US population ages 18 and older have some sort of mental disorder in any given year. With the US economy the way it is now, I can't imagine that number decreasing since 2005. Click here to read more. Most of us have had the feeling of a weight being lifted when you discuss what's troubling you. Why is it so hard to open up? Men, we can still be men and relieve some of your burdens too. Pride is a horrible thing. I struggle with it daily. But I just keep reminding myself that I can be a man and talk about my feelings. No one will ever change my mind about that. Is it going to happen overnight for me? No. I can think about it, learn from past events, and conceive situations in which I will be more expressive, but the true change won't happen until I'm in situations that require me to TRUST.

This was an "all over the place" post. Thank y'all for reading it.

Happy New Years.

"Here's wishing you good mental health."- Dr. Frasier Crane/Kelsey Grammer

“We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy”
-Walter Anderson